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23rd-Nov-2008 10:15 pm - Letter to Carlos
- omg what
Dear Sweetie,

Do you get that you're a total stopgag boyfriend? My plans with Logan are on hold while I reevaluate that stupid little twig of a girlfriend, she was so much easier to sabotage before she became Princess Sweetheart Tragedy Non-Action Non-Barbie and figure out my next move. Given this - and the fact that even the learning impaired know that you have a dick the size of a Lego piece - we will not be having sex. Especially not in the back of your Mustang, so stop it with the "let's get more comfortable" bullshit after we make a run to Tokyo House, mmkay? Dinner might be brought to us by the letter S but that's SUSHI, not sex. Not with you. Sex is for when you are in love, and seriously, watching RJ backslide with Whorianne is making me question that. So. No sex for you, though for as long as I need you, you'll be believing that tomorrow is your lucky day.

So. Um. Sorry about the month or months of blue balls, hon.

Though I have to say, in terms of stopgags, I sure as shit picked a good one: captain of the football team, and now basketball team? Prom King, too...yeah. You're not bad not Logan, but not bad at all.

So if I'm supertight with the superstar jock, dating the most popular guy at SHS, and a superhot cheerleader who's the best tumbler without question? How is Sheila more popular than me? Shit. That's bitchy, she's my BFF, wtf Rinne, stop being a cu

Kiss kiss,
28th-Oct-2008 09:28 am - Letters
- silent
Dear Rick,

I know you're in love with me and all, so I hope that you're not too bummed out over the breakup. It's funny, even when I think I'm in love, I get over breakups like super quick. I guess I'm just lucky? I hope you are, too. And really, it was for the best: casual dating was one thing, but if we got really serious, like how you felt about me serious? It would have totally been a clusterfuck for my social status, and honestly, you're not worth it. Though you are hot.



Dear Logan,

I know that you're in love with Mary Anne, and you two probably have dates that consist of sitting together, having milkshakes (well, you, and she watches), holding hands, giggling, and drawing each others' initials onto the back of your notebooks or whatever 1950's horseshit you do.

We didn't do this together! We went to parties and concerts and went to that under-18 place in Stamford - remember when we got drunk on tequila and made out on Bruce Jamison's basement couch and then I taught you how to do backflips in the backyard, and everybody was having such a blast, and then you told me that it was one of the most fun nights you had ever had? Then we walked back to my place, and I snuck you in, and we made out on my bed for a while, and I told you that I loved you, like, really loved you, and you said you loved me, too, but then you had to get home before your mom got home from work, and as you were leaving my room, you said goodbye to my hamsters, and you knew which Heather was which, even when you were still totally wasted? Do you and Mary Anne do that, have nights that are awesome like that?

I think you're the only boy I've really loved.

And I want you back.

So I'm going to get you back.

Still your girl,


Dear John McCain,

Give it up, man. For serious.

30th-Sep-2008 07:25 pm - Letter to Fate
= sideways look
Dear Fate,

Was Logan going missing for five days a sign that he's The One for me? Or was it a sign that Rick comforted me so well that it's time for me to stop putting gymnastics, cheerleading, and the newspaper before him and really give him my whole heart? I can't tell.

Why can't you be more obvious, damn it! That would really make things easier!

Sincerely yet confusedly,
- silent
Dear John Edwards,

You asshole. The next time you ever dare to say that you are the son of a mill worker, I hope your out of wedlock child will say that she is the daughter of a self-important asshole egotist who took ANOTHER sledgehammer to the idea that those who serve democracy and our country have a shred of integrity anymore. Asshole. No wonder young people don't give a shit about politics.

Contemptfully yours,

21st-Jul-2008 09:44 am - Letter to Lew
= strength
Dear Lew,

You rock as a date. You suck as a boyfriend.

This is why I dumped your Xbox-hugging ass.

No more love,


PS: I already have a new boyfriend candidate in mind, so don't worry about lil' ol' me. Go make out with Guitar Hero or whatever.
3rd-Jul-2008 09:33 am - letter to rachel
- throw down
Dear Rachel,

Go back to Moscow! Commie pinko non-cheerleader bastard.

And keep your hands off of our red blooded American jocks! Those are our boys!

I hate immigration.

Not sincerely,
21st-Jun-2008 12:56 pm - letter to lew
= strength
Dear Lew,

I love you, but I am not sleeping with you. Not until you treat me as well as you do your Xbox.

Your girlfriend--who is BREATHING and ANIMATE, HELLO, RIGHT HERE? Jesus fucking Christ--

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